Mail mail mail

230 emails to go through! A lot of those are blog comments I've received over the last few months and want to deal with! :) (All positive ones...which I appreciate...thank you)

Lots of errands to run!

I hope life gets easier sometime soon!

Yeah right!

Lester says hi. Really he is just snoring, but I'll attribute the greetings sentiment to him anyway. 

I've been up since 3amish....it's almst 6am now. I guess I'll try to sleep again! 

am i still alive?

was a comment. Yep, still alive. Busy. More soon!!

Goals schmoals!

I am a creature of habit and routine. I can thrive in a properly scheduled environment. However, a key element is that the scheduled environment has to be mandatory. Right now, I have a lot to do, but am having trouble with motivation. I'm struggling with the disappointment of discovering a magical job isn't going to land in my lap! I know that was an unrealistic expectation but I sure did have it! 

I've been thinking about my own "emotional intelligence" and how I pick up on social cues. I think I'm a relatively astute observer of body language & cues when watching an interaction, but when I am WITHIN the interaction, I am not always as good. MOSTLY because I ALWAYS have good intentions when I say things and so it would never occur to me that someone would take something I say in a mean or poor way. I guess I need to be more careful about what I say because even if I have good intentions, people don't always take it that way. And we all know the saying that good intentions pave the way to hell! That saying bothers me...  I think the vast majority of people "get" me in real life and so I don't mean to make it sound like I am bad at basic social cues. I think I do better than a lot of people....but still could benefit from some more analysis!! 

Last night I met up with a former fieldwork supervisor, at Cafe Eclectic in Midtown. Great company....Yummy food, yummy ice cream especially...my heart is in ice cream, always. It was nice seeing her and catching up. I really liked all of my fieldwork supervisors. Today I have some small goals, but goals nonetheless...including checking up on job applications and such. And I feel very guilty for how far behind I am on responding to emails and facebook messages. Gotta work on that too huh!

Waiting waiting waiting...

I'm still waiting to hear back on some job opportunities. Trying to stay motivated! I am an official OTR/L now though, I got my TN licensure! That's pretty exciting!! 

moving on...

It has been brought to my attention that I have not blogged in a few days. Oops.

I'm navigating right now...struggling to have given up a dream and trying to find new dreams...to find a new journey I can tolerate and quite possibly come to love....

I'm waiting to hear back from one place that is really neat...I hope to interview soon. It wasn't in the original cards, but I think it would be wonderful. 

I'm in a contemplative place...I've always been a student and now it's time to start a career...my first step sent me reeling backwards and now I'm waiting for the figurative bruises to fade, scared but again ready to put myself out there. Wow good thing I didn't go into creative writing....that was the worst explanation ever.  Maybe I could get a PhD in self-deprecation...although I'm sure I'd find a way to fail at that too.... HA HA HA HA! That was funny!!!!!!! 

I'm starting to prepare myself psychologically, for moving and for becoming an OTR/L (I'm at OTR right now!!! CRAZY to be able to say I'm an occupational therapist!!!)...

I'm also starting to prepare myself (well, ok, the house) physically too...need to continue working on sorting, organizing, filing, trashing, donating, etc...lots and lots to do. 

Don't forget tomorrow is Father's Day...

Sorry my last posts have been kind of depressing, it has been a hard month...but I do honestly believe things will start improving relatively soon...give me a little more time to wallow...then hopefully I'll start back with my insanely hyper and excited passionate posting...but as a practitioner, not a student....(I'll have to be extraordinarily vigilant about HIPAA of course!!)......oooh the adventure will start soon...I'll be ready. 

La la la

Ok! Two applications down with minimal hair-pullage, haha. I think I'll apply 1-2 more places and then settle for a while so I can deal with potential interviews and all. I've learned a lot just in the last few weeks and so hopefully I'll do well with the next few.

About to send in another application to a very cool place...

I just finished my cover letter. I'm going to go to Kinko's and get everything copied/notarized/sent out. I am thrilled to be done with the longest application. The place I'm applying has an AWESOME culture of excellence and it would be a wonderful opportunity.

I need to be careful about my recent ranting and raving of frustration and all. For people who have been reading my blog for years, I think they overall have a good picture of who I am...but if someone just read a single post or two, well...yikes, haha. We all have our good and bad days! And weeks....and months....lol.

ANYWAY. I better get going. Thanks all for the support and love....maybe today I can get some EMAILS answered?! And finish up the hospital application?!! 

finally getting things done...

I am pretty sure my blood pressure is 3382828288282 over 3838989292892. I find job applications immensely tedious. I just spent many hours on a 13 page application and then spent a few hours struggling with my new mac and new printer...I am sooo used to a PC that even little things flummox me on the Mac! And then I just started to fill out another online application for a hospital, but its application website was utterly ridiculous. It would list schools/majors to choose from, and then my school and major wouldn't be present, and then it would give you an error if you tried to leave it blank, etc. Ugh!!

So since I already want to tear all my hair out, I decided I'd stop for the night, before I went postal. In the morning I need to write a cover letter, get my oath of loyalty to the particular state notarized (WOW), and then mail the application ASAP. 

I am a tiny bit irritated with myself that I let stupid applications upset me, BUT at the same time it's only (tomorrow) been a week since I got my stunningly and exquisitely painful rejection, so I'm just glad I didn't cry the night away! Overall I guess it was pretty productive minus the many hours of frustration. 

Ok, tomorrow's goals:

AM: SEND THAT APPLICATION

PM: Work out at some point, contact HR at that other hospital about navigating their website application

GOALS FOR TOMORROW

TWO MAIN GOALS:

1) Finish rehab app

2) Finish peds children app

Minor goals:

3) Work out?

4) Don't go insane

Good night...

So I am learning to navigate my new Macbook. I love it to pieces but there is definitely an element of hesitancy, I have to get used to it. It doesn't feel the same.  The Macbook was an awesome graduation present, although I got many wonderful graduation presents. :)

I saw the movie "Up" this weekend and it was absolutely stunning. Amazing. I highly recommend it. 

My goals this week include finishing up two big ol' job applications, without crying. I get SO overwhelmed SO quickly when it becomes time to start looking up places to work, places to live, etc. Right now I think Chattanooga is my number one city but I'm definitely strongly considering other places. I need to get started though, it's not like I have a lot of time to look, in terms of loan payback and insurance. 

I wish desperately that I was a "better" person and could get caught up on all my snail mail correspondence (sympathy cards, thank you cards, birthday cards etc), but also all my e-mails. I have so many nice emails and/or important emails that I have let slide by me lately, especially in face of this past week's trauma.

Every time I see ads for the hospital, I wince...kind of a mini PTSD for at least a little while...a sting, a slap, to be reminded of the rejection...A rejection with legitimate reasons, but still a rejection. Yet right now I'm wearing a t-shirt that proclaims my love for it...so...I dunno. Just will take a while to get over it I guess.

Just wanted to write in...I'm going to go read for a while...

Warm Springs and books

I went to the library today. The librarian probably thought I was insane. I got a few random books but a ton of books having to do with dealing with difficult children, autistic spectrum, self-harm, abuse, being a disabled homemaker, working as a young psychotherapist, etc. 18 books total, it was hard to carry.

Of course instead of reading I should be working on you know, finding a job, place to live, stuff like that...details details

Hey, anybody heard of Warm Springs GA? The famous hospital there, and the polio haven in the 50s founded by Roosevelt? I'm thinking about spending a year there...gonna at least check it out. 

sadness...at least I learned a lesson

No dream job. But I understand why a little better now, and even though it REALLY hurts, at least I can learn a lot from the experience. I think even in the last two days there's been some substantial shifting of my psyche!

I have to be careful what I write...haven't determined yet what can be shared...not nearly as much as I'd like to share...but...it's definitely time to start up the job hunt again...

Ouch x infinity

I'm feeling very blog-traumatized right now...just had a nasty experience related to it, job wise...regrouping and thinking and will post sometime soon once I have figured out what to write & and how...want to make sure I don't burn bridges any further than already inadvertently done...ugh, it's all very sad and disappointing.

In the meantime, here is a picture of Lester that my friend Sarah did, I LOVE IT/HER. Very cheering. :)

So, yeah....posting soon once I have words.

Beauty in unexpected places....

I was thinking about my 3-month fieldwork on a locked ward..acute geriatric psychiatric...and how one day, a single daffodil appeared, that a daughter had picked for her mother...that single flower sat in a water glass for days... and on a unit like that, its beauty was so much more...synergistic I guess, than it would be anywhere els. The start of a poem popped into my head at like 3am last night and then I just wrote it up in a few minutes so NO HATING, I ain't no Wordsworth. Now I'm going to go try and figure out my new Macbook and try to wake up. It's been a rough couple of days!!



The Solitary Daffodil

Inside a locked ward
there are no pleasantries
Days march grimly on
survival the only goal

The mutters of the schizophrenics
the howls of the psychotics
the sobs of the demented
will drown your ears
in a cacaphony of sorrow

Senses are assaulted
the salty taste of fear
the tinny scent of sweat
the scurrying nurses

Everywhere you look
is cold, industrial
fluorescent lights
concrete
impersonality

One day there is
a floral miracle.
A singular daffodil
trembling shyly
leaning against its water glass cage

A priceless gift
carefully picked
offered in peace
by an enterprising young visitor

It is the first sign of life
that many have seen in days
weeks
or months
a glorious gesture

This solitary daffodil
timidly luminous
a beacon of hope
is for many
the spring of healing




*daffodil from google, not me

So tiny-tiny you have to close your eyes to see it...

This beautiful story popped into mind...Sandra Cisneros writes hauntingly beautiful vignettes...this one is about her 11th birthday and while it's not my birthday and I'm obviously not eleven, the emotions are the same.

This is one of my favorite lines from the story and also one of my favorite quotes, period...I first read it in 7th grade, a lifetime ago, but sometimes this line pops into my head because it's a rather universal feeling.


" I'm eleven today. I'm eleven, ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, and one, but I wish I was one hundred and two. I wish I was anything but eleven, because I want today to be far away already, far away like a runaway balloon, like a tiny o in the sky, so tiny-tiny you have to close your eyes to see it."

Swirls of thoughts...waiting to hear from interview

::edited to delete first few paragraphs::Today I woke up in a "dark place". Was just very sad. Cried even. I had woken up from a really disturbing dream where I was really upset about the mistaken actions of another person that really affected my chances at a dream job!!! When in that dark place, it's hard to remember hope and faith and the value of a journey. It's easier to focus on the negatives and to wallow in self-absorbed pity for a while! Oh well, I'm up now with the windows open, letting the sunshine soak in and fill the dark voids. Lester is snoring at my feet.

The last few weeks have been quite whirlwindy. I studied hard for boards, took boards, went on a fast roadtrip to check out some potential places to live (had a great time), came back and my family showed up that day for graduation, graduated and entertained family for first time in 4 years (since my undergrad graduation) for several days, found out I passed boards and got an interview with dream job of pediatric cancer hospital, prepared for interview, and took it yesterday. Now I'm a little lost! I shouldn't be, because there is so much to catch up on, so much to do.

I want to write. I don't know what, exactly, but I want to write. Not peer-reviewed rigourous research or anything - just stories. I want the words to march out my brain and dance off my finger tips and be GONE. Too many words and memories scattered in my brain. I need a "Pensive" like in the Harry Potter books...where I can tap against my head and remove gooey memories, place them elsewhere for safekeeping until I'm ready to examine them.

My fingers are pausing on the keyboard because I have about fifty thoughts tornadoing all at once, all fighting for the same space. Basically I have a lot to do and no motivation to do it...time to start prioritizing, making goals,and then using the timer method to just get them dealt with, I guess. But for now, I think I'm just going to keep sitting here, eating honey nut cheerios and re-skimming a bizarre novel, Life of Pi. The real world can wait just a little longer.

Interview on Friday...gearing up for it...

Gearing up for my interview on Friday. Waiting for stuff to print on a friend's computer for now, it's frustrating that my own printer is being psycho. I'm looking at the hospital's annual report and lots of other stuff on their website. Classmate Kerri helped me find an appropriate outfit to wear Friday. Thank goodness. I've answered a bunch of typical interview questions etc. Tonight a friend is going to grill me on more interview questions that could be asked...AUGH! LOL

 

More on Friday after the interview. Need to catch up on blogs, emails, etc....wayyyyy behind.

I HAVE AN INTERVIEW ON FRIDAY FOR MY DREAM JOB

So I just posted this in OT Connections and here now too. Pictures/video to come.

I graduated on Friday and found out I passed boards on Sunday! It really wasn't that bad. I know of four other classmates that took the test within the same week and they all also passed.

Now I have an interview at a local pediatric cancer hospital on Friday - a dream job - and I AM SO EXCITED/NERVOUS. I am going to prepare like a fiend the next few days, researching everything I can about it so that I am as knowledgeable as possible. I'm also going to come up with tons of answers to typical interview questions. And I'm going to pseudo interview with good friends. And I need an outfit...can't forget the outfit.

So...my family flew in from California for the Memphis graduation and most of them left Sunday but my mom leaves early tomorrow morning...then it's focus, focus, focus on this interview. I hope it all goes well. Exciting/scary times! Why don't they sell Xanax in bulk? KIDDING.

Hmm. Maybe I should list "inappropriateness" as one of my flaws.

Wish me luck! This job would be an amazing opportunity, especially as a new graduate!