Having nightmares. Feeling like stomach swooping on a roller coaster and heart racing. One of the nightmares has become recurrent, where I have to somehow navigate past a rapidly spinning/moving obstacle that others seem to bypass easily but I can't figure out. I get scared I'm about to be squooshed to death or something. My other nightmare was actually rather amusing as while it was scary, it did involve Rainbow Brite/Care Bears teams fighting against each other in a star battle in a mall.
A lot of my nightmares - I unfortunately have a ton - have to do with crawling or getting through a tiny space which brings out massive claustrophobia and fear and make me feel like I can't breathe. FUN!
Anyways, I woke up around 345am with my heart racing from several of the nightmares and now it's 532am and I still feel icky!
I think these nightmares just reflect board exam/job process stuff/prospect of moving soon. I've been in Memphis almost 10 years now - my entire adult life (17 to 26) - and it's all I feel familar with. But there is NO JOB in Memphis that appeals to me besides a hard-to-procure position at the pediatric cancer hospital. I love to volunteer at the other local great peds hospital, but A) they're not really hiring and B) I've spent enough time there to know I have personality conflicts with some of the rehab staff, making me feel like I'm back in high school as a total loser!!
Anyway...I've been studying for boards quite a bit, some alone and some with classmates, trying to stay active (I'm a couch sweet potato), and that's the focus these days. I did finally finish my Christmas thank you notes, LOL.
ONE DAY I will catch up on life. But I've been telling myself this for years. I guess it's not possible. Maybe if I take a tiny bit of speed for like, 3 days, I could catch up. JUST KIDDING.......but wouldn't it be cool to take a pill and get all your chores done quickly and easily?!
ANYWAY AGAIN. I guess I'm going to attempt to sleep some/rest. I can hear Lester snoring. HE IS SO CUTE. Anytime I have something in my hands he tries to investigate to see if it's food for him. Which is so adorable since he stands up on hind legs and tentatively puts a paw out, that I have to go get him food, popping the dry bits into his mouth as he enthusiastically chomps. I guess rewarding him for his behavior reinforces it but that's okay with me.
I think I may be slightly delirious. Maybe soon I'll post a really really good and articulate post.....just kidding, we all know that's impossible.
Good night, or I mean good morning....
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
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3 comments:
Just ran across your blog tonight. I've been an OT for quite some time and actually, this week, it finally came to an end. I reached my breaking points many, many times but had to return to it for only monetary reasons. I'm a very caring person, and I think do an excellent job with my patients/clients-don't take short cuts and go the extra mile since I know it's their dime or insurance and they deserve the best. All I can say is these nightmares you're having are more than just nerves about your boards. I think they're warnings for you about the nightmares you'll face as you embark on this so-called profession. When you said that one work setting made you feel like a loser in high again - that happens all the time in most all settings. It's part of the OT curse-you can't grow and become a mature, professional adult. You're always trying to find a way to find your niche and place in that world and it's so futile.I know, I tried. I spent thousands to get SIPT certfied to have advanced skills adn still ran into the same walls. I ended up dropping the kit off at peds clinic just to get rid of it and through all my OT books in the dumpster. I then returned to school and got another degree in mass comm. and so loved studying real things - tangible things and have been so successful writing/photography and getting published. I love to learn and have helped so many people/causes by being a voice through my writing.I could volumes about the real OT world but I doubt you'll believe me because you'll think that you're different and it will work for you. Just remember that when you reach the end of your rope and can't get beyond feeling as if you're useless and a loser in high school by these therapist with their parental tone and ways-that there's still a light and hope and that God can direct you and make a way for you to find the right career that will give glory to Him and peace to you. Right now, I know it's hard to understand - but, there are so many OTs out there who feel the same way I do and who have tried every aspect of the field and have come to a dead end and the same conclusion. Your life is too valuable to waste and in my experience and opinion, that's all the OT will have to offer to you - a lot of wasted time,money and energy. I had so many people cross my path when I was in OT school to warn me to get out and take another path but I thought I knew better. I wish I would have listened and not wasted so much of my life chasing this elusive butterfly. Blessings.
Me again, and wanted to apologize for all the mistakes in my comment - misspelled "through" - of course it's "threw." Also, so many missed words but hope you still can understand the message. I think I'm a better writer than that.
Thanks for letting me share.
Just to share one more thought. Just as it is in school, in the OT world, you live in such fear and intimidation until you find your place on the top of the proverbial pecking order (of hens). Most OTs love to have sense of power and control - try to have a sense of superiority as a way to build their ego in light of the feeling of inferiority in the OT world. So, as a new grad, most likely you'll encounter those bullies out there who find delight in taunting you - watching you jump through hoops in an attempt to gain their approval of which they will never give as that's not their agenda. So, to make you feel constantly inadequate will accomplish their goal. It's very sad. I don't like these people and don't like OT for some many reasons including OTs like this. OT can corner you financially so much that you have to stay in it- that is, if you get encumbered with a mortgage, car payment and of course school loans.The salary is so alluring but there's a price to pay for that lucrative paycheck. There's so much to consider when chosing this so-called profession. Just another warning, when/if you do "crash" and want out - feel like you're losing it - no one will understand or you're lucky if maybe one person can even begin to comprehend the whole package. Counselors won't understand - you spend a fortune on counselors trying to explain the whole scenario and there's usually a blank look across the room - it becomes your problem. People think that you have such a wonderful profession of helping people etc. - they can't believe the nightmares. Now, my answer to all of my OT nightmares besides closing the door, walking away is to cancel every license and connection with the field -taking my name off all of their lists. Then, I'me continuing to replace it with real work in the real world and not speaking of it to anyone as it only brings confusion and discourse with relationships. To stop the curse I have to completely divorce myself from it in every way possible.
As I mentioned to someone else, I'm the overachiever type-I love to work and write - thrive on it. But, with OT, it brings out the worst in me - I'm not a good employee. This sounds extreme and I'm not alone in saying this, but OT can be slow kill - emotionally, finacially and take a toll on your physical health. It's just a big price to pay. I could go in detail as to the underlying reasons why - but maybe another time. Anyway, I'm so much happier and healthier and better since I've closed that door and embarking on other work opportunities.
This is very strong but I wish I had more strong talks before I spent so much time trying to make OT work in my life. I hope this helps. If you ever need to contact me, feel free. I'd be happy to be an understanding and listening e-mailer: jahelms7@msn.com
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